


we love you

by Talltoasterstruttle



Series: bottom jinjin [2]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bottom Jinjin, Bottom Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin, Cutting, Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Thats a lot of tags, Top Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo, Top Moon Bin, Top Park Minhyuk | Rocky, Top Yoon Sanha, top kim minhyuk | MJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25710004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talltoasterstruttle/pseuds/Talltoasterstruttle
Summary: jinwoo has always struggled with self-worth, and put more blame on himself than he should when astro isn't as big as he hopes. will astro be able to save the leader from his own dark thoughts?
Relationships: Kim Myungjun | MJ/Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin, Moon Bin/Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin, Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin/Park Minhyuk | Rocky, Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin/Yoon Sanha
Series: bottom jinjin [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844233
Comments: 25
Kudos: 30





	1. feelings are fatal

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that this fic doesn't trigger you and if it does I'm deeply sorry.

It's beautifully painful, the way that the blood trickles from my wrist. I deserve this, I deserve every bit of pain that this causes. I'm the reason why astro isn't as popular as nct, bts, GOT7, or even seventeen. I sit on my bed a blad in one hand and the other while the other resting on my thigh. blood trickles from the cut onto my thigh, a whimper leaves my mouth, it hurts really bad, but I deserve all of it.

"Jinwoo may I come in?" "Y-yeah just give me a minute." I stutter, hoping MJ didn't hear, and I pull down my sleeves and walk to the door. peeking out from behind the door, I spoke "yes hyung? what's wrong?" "sanha and rocky are being annoyingly in love again" he speaks, rolling his eyes I roll my eyes as well and walk out to the living room.

I walk out to see that sanha is on Rocky's lap my heart feels like they stabbed it, I just wave it off, like seeing them so happy without me doesn't hurt at all. "Guys, tone down the gayness in the room," I say as I scan the room I see the others except MJ and me being cute. "did MJ hyung come all the way to your room just to tell you that he's petty he doesn' have anyone?" Sanha asks "If he as a problem with it he should just date you!" rocky interrupted. I feel blush creep up my neck, "now he doesn't have to date someone he doesn't like just for the sake of not being single." I say calmly as if my heart wasn't beating a hundred miles a minute.

"who said he doesn't like you!" Eunwoo shouted making MJ tackle him off the couch. I was too busy laughing to notice the blood trickling from my wrist to the floor. "Hyung, why are you bleeding?" moonbin asked, the room stood quiet, everyone looking at me. I felt my anxiety creep up and I laugh it off. "I cut myself when cutting vegetables for last night's dinner, and I got bored so I started scratching!" I spoke, their eyes filled with concern but they let it slide saying, "Be careful next time hyung!"

I knew they knew I was lying, but I didn't want to burden them anymore.


	2. silent night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tunnel keeps getting darker, now the decision lays in Astros hands. do they make jinwoo tell them what's really happening? or is he left to his own demise? chapter title from dreamcatcher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know astro aren't like this it's just for the fic

a few days after the blood incident, the members have become more observant around me, which instead of making me feel special, makes me feel like I did something wrong. And what's worse is that sanha and rocky have confirmed their in a relationship not that I don't support them, which I do it's just I love the astro members... a lot... So instead of being close to them like I usually do, I distance myself, so I don't fall deeper in love.

It only gets worse from here. 

the others were out for lunch and it was only moonbin and me. "Hyung, why do you keep distancing yourself from us?" Moonbin asks "I'm not! I just have to practice often!" I exclaim, If they notice then I have to confess, and then I'll be rejected. "just tell us what's going on, we just want to help you!" He yells, I flinch. "well I doubt you'd care anyway," I say "what the fuck did you say! aren't we the ones who cared for you, who worried for you, who stayed with you useless ass!" I stare at him in shock, tears start forming as I slowly back away. I then start to run straight to our shared room, crying. I knew I was useless But to hear it from someone else, hurts more, because then you know that's what others think of you.

I finally stop crying, and make my way to the kitchen, trying to avoid everyone. Because I know I look like I've been crying. I get a cup of water not feeling like eating, even though I haven't eaten all day. When I go to my shared room I see Moonbin sitting on his bed, hands in his hair. I try to sneak into bed and curl up into a ball till I fall asleep. but luck isn't on my side today. "Jinwoo Hyung?" he looks up I can see tears stained his face as well. "Yes, Moonbin?" I softly speak He quickly runs up and hugs me. "Look, Hyung, I really sorry, I didn't mean to say that, You are in no way useless, I'm just having a bad day. I am in no way justifying my actions, I'm nearly explaining them, and I'd understand if you don't forgive me." He says all in one breath, It takes a minute, but tears start falling and I hug him tighter, a silent way of saying 'I forgive you'

It was a simple action, but it meant the world to me, I stopped distancing myself, but one thing I didn't stop is cutting. It just felt like my sweet release from reality, it's a sweet poison. that is until one of the astro members found out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY I HAD THIS IN MY DRAFTS FOR LIKE TEN (ten ahahaha) YEARS. Also, I felt like crap for writing moonbin like that :'( Also I finished this at three in the morning so there's gonna be some mistake.


	3. scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinjin finally opens up about his feelings. what will astro do? the title is dreamcatcher's scream

My days just get worse and worse. But this is the absolute worst. we have a stage, where we have to wear short sleeves. not only is it cold up there, but my cuts will be visible. so I decide, that foundation would be the best option. spoiler alert, it's not. once I get off stage and turn off our mics, Sanha grabs my wrist and turns my arm around, revealing all my cuts. all the members star at me, anger, sadness, and shock is written all over their faces. I feel tears brewing, the silence killing me, but at the same time, I fear their words.

Rocky was the first to speak, "Why? Why couldn't you as for help?" "Because if you knew, then I would be a burden-"  
"No no you wouldn't be. The thing is Jinwoo, we love you. I know you love us too so, If you want to date, then stop cutting." Eunwoo interrupted. " I'm sorry, I will try my best, I'm sorry" pours out of my mouth. They just bring me into a hug, whispering kind words to me, when I finally stop we get changed. 

the ride back was silent, but I could feel their love flowing over to me. It's a cheesy thing to say, but it's true.


	4. temptations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinwoo has to be clean for two weeks to be able to date them, he's trying but its really hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating, I've been really depressed/suicidal lately

It's been about a day since the others found out about my cutting. They told me that if I don't cut for a week then we can all date. I'm scared, but for them, I'll do anything. I try, I really do, but it's hard. especially when one part of your brain my brain is yelling at me to cut and the other is telling me how disappointed they would be if I cut. but I listen to the disappointed one, because that way, I can date them! But its really hard...

They took away my blad and locked the cabinets after the first week. I was thankful because that meant I wouldn't slip at all. But that one dark part of my brain was mad. I never listened to it, but sometimes I didn't have to, to hear: worthless, ugly, untalented, loser. 

But they took away those words and made me happy. I truly was myself when I was with them. and by the second week, I was at my highest I had ever been. "Jinjin hyung we have something to tell you, meet us at the park" I read Eunwoo's text aloud. Scared I left the dorm in a hurry.


	5. feel Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he loves them so so much. but what happens when the CEO finds out.

I walk to the park as fast as I could, and when I finally got there my anxiety was creeping up an me. I saw them and rushed over scared of what they might say. I reach them and they laugh, confused I ask the "what?" "you just seemed so panicked, did you forget we would date you by the end of two weeks if you stayed clean?" Rocky speaks up, "hey! that's mean!" I say pouting. "cutie." MJ Hyung spoke up, kissing my check, Blush runs dances around my face. Sanha decides to pick me up as they walk to the car, "I MIGHT BE SHORT BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT HEAVY!" I say, as Sanha laughs "dude your both light and short" I fire back by saying "shut up!"

the next two weeks are filled with love, from both me and the other members of Astro. I thought this week was going to be the same, happy and uneventful, But boy was I wrong.

"Hyung, the CEO found out about us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was waiting till my new computer arrived to write again. also CLIFFHANGER


	6. Gotta be a reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinwoo fell from his highest, falling to the lowest he's ever been. Yes that's the only answer, at least thats what jinwoo thinks. song title by Alec Benjamin.

"Hyung, the CEO found out about us."

My heart stopped, the CEO was a known Homophobe, What were we to do? Would we lose our jobs and be shunned from society? What happens then? Will we be forced to move to america just to get a job? or will we be swept up by a non-homophobic company? "hyung, he says he needs to meet with you right now, We'll take you , okay?" Sanha speaks breaking my thought. I feel like I'm about to throw up, this is not okay. "O-okay" I feel like dying right now, I want to cut, everything is overwhelming. But I get in the car anyways, Even if I feel a little sick. the person next to me pulls me into a tight hug, lifting me up and putting me on their lap in the process. I look up to see Moonbin. Okay I feel I little better. I hug him back my head resting on his shoulder. 

When we get there I break out in sweat, reluctantly leaving my lovers arms. Whispers of good luck follow me as I close the door. Time kept moving so fast, even though I want it to slow. In no time I enter the room of which I dread. 

"Jinwoo, I see you have forgotten our agreement." Tears fill up my eyes, I look down, shame filling me up, Even if it's because of something I can't control. "I'm sorry sir-" "NO IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME! YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!" He screams, stepping closer to me, scared I step back, He grabs my shirt and slams me onto a wall.


	7. Maria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reaching for my phone in my pocket, I try to call one of my members, but... (Title By Hwasa)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at writing violence, so yeahhhh.

(TW VIOLENCE)

He then punches me in the face, so hard it was sure to leave a bruise. He continued his punching on other areas too, then he choked me, Making it hard for me to breath. Soon I was finally able to get Up I ran out of the room, tears following I hide in a random closet. Crying, I Reaching for my phone in my pocket, trying to call one of my members, but I hear the managers voice, "where are you, you little shit!" I Get up and hide behind a bunch of brooms, And then I finally pull out my phone I tap the first name I see, Rocky. I call him, Silently crying, after a few rings he picks up. "Hyung is everything all right?" Rocky's voice is packed with worry, "No he's trying to beat me." Is say, my voice quiet, so the CEO Won't find me. "I'll be there in a few just stay out of sight, and stay on the line!" He says. 

I stay hidden hoping, no praying, that the CEO won't find me. The door slams open, I bury my head into my body, " I know your in here, and I have a knife!" The CEO says I feel my heart beat quicken, I have to do something or else I'm dead. I stand up, okay maybe that's a bad Idea but it's too late. Without thinking, I run towards him, And with all my strength push him away. But that wasn't enough. He grabs me, and slams me onto the door frame. He raises his knife, I'm going to die, It's close to my body, Oh god I'm dead. He gets pushed down, I look up to see Myungjun , his eyes filled with rage. Eunwoo grabs me and hugs me tightly as if he were to never let go. 

(TW over)

"you fuckers! I hope you know your jobs are lost!" "Well yours are too!" Sanha spoke up rage filling his voice. "How would you know tha-" " Because of us" someone interrupts. I look up to see police men and women croud around us. "Well how do you know it's me how attacked him! Because we saw the whole thing, did you forget we petrol the halls?" 

He was arrested, And we left the company, as his son was just as homophobic. And found a new, supporting label.


	8. happy ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just astro being cute :) (title by SVt)

After we were able to express our love freely, We were and are a lot more happy. 

Moonbin and Sanha were filming Bad Idea, and me and the other members went to surprise them. "HYUNGS! I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD COME!" Sanha Yelled running to hug Rocky. Rocky kissed Sanha on the top of his head. "wheres my kiss?" Moonbin pouted. "come here!" Rocky said I laughed as they fought for rocky's attention. I felt a arm wrap around me, I look up to see Eunwoo. "They're so cute." I stated. because that's a fact. "not as cute as you," Myungjun said, booping my nose "where did you come from?" I ask laughing, "Hell" He replied, "no from heaven" Me and Eunwoo replied at the same time making us laugh. 

===================

thank you all for reading this horrible piece of Shit lmao, I didn't think it would get that much reads, but it did so thank you all!


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